Does work make it impossible to be a Godly father/husband/friend?
Welcome back. We have some exciting ground to cover this Fall -- from advertising to the environment to poverty -- but I saw a provocative article on CNN.com yesterday I couldn't pass up. The title: "Survey: Working dads want more family time." Some highlights:
- 37% of working dads say they'd leave their jobs if their spouse or partner made enough money to support the family
- 38% would take a pay cut to spend more time with their kids
- 24% of working dads feel work is negatively impacting their relationship with their children
- 27% of working dads say they spend more than 50 hours a week on work and 8% spend more than 60 hours; contrast that with 25% who spend less than one hour with their kids each day and 42% who spend less than two hours each day
This raises some very interesting questions for us as Christ-followers (I realize this kind of work week applies to men working in business, in the church, or virtually anywhere else)
- Is there a Biblical mandate to spend time with our kids/wife? I think we'd all say we should, but why?
- I think passages like 1 Peter 4:7, Ephesians 5:25-30, and Psalm 78:1-8 make it clear we are to impart the glory of God to our wives and children. Our culture has introduced the false notion that this can be done over the phone or over a weekend. - Is it Biblical to be a stay at home dad?
- I think the answer is No. Genesis 2:15 leads me to believe that, in God's perfect design (before the Fall), man was created to "work the land." From Genesis 3 to Ephesians 5 to 1 Timothy 5:8, the Bible places primary responsibility for financial and spiritual leadership on the man -- I believe that is difficult socially and spiritually if the wife is the primary breadwinner. - If 38% of men would take a paycut to spend more time at home, why don't we?
- I think it's simply because we wouldn't actually take the paycut if it were offered. Sure it sounds like a good idea on a survey but not when it means actually parting with money. - Is there a viable alternative to the 40/50/60 hour work week? Is it even possible to love our family, friends, neighbors the way Christ commands when we only have the weekends and 1-2 hours a night?
- My first reaction is that my laziness/lack of true love and discipline is more to blame than work but I also believe there is something very wrong with the amount of social emphasis we place not only on work but the hours we work...as if working long hours is a badge of honor while crumbling relationships at home are ignored. I can also attest (as I write this at midnight) that if I choose to work long hours and spend time with Erica/friends, I consequently fail to honor God by sleeping and taking care of my body.
I miss discussing these things with you guys. I'm looking forward to getting after it again.
posted by Matthew at 12:58 AM
7 Comments:
Although I have much time before I am a father (hopefully!), I think about this topic a lot as I am now married (since 12/31/06). I often struggle with whether I am laying the groundwork in my career that will lead to me to being a father/husband/friend that has time to spend with my loved ones. I question how to balance a pursuit of success in my career and my pursuit of success at home. Does God not ask us to strive to be successful in all things that we do?
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Colossians 3:23-24
I have seen many hard working professionals who have successful careers and are also successful fathers, husbands, friends, and leaders. Quality of time is important. Sure, 42% of men say that they spend less than 2 hours a day with their children, but that does not equate to being a poor father or a less impactful father. Much can be learned from spending 30 minutes to an hour of real time with someone. Relationships can grow, lessons can be learned, hearts can be shared in short periods of time. If only some of us would spend 30 minutes to an hour of quality time with God each day, think about how much our relationship and faith would grow. I think it is most important devote the time with those we love to being effective and purposeful.
As Christians, we must set our priorities. Our family and our relationships must come before our work. Too many people look at work as being a hindrance to the rest of their lives. But our work gives us an opportunity to learn, to shape our own life, and to challenge our self in ways that will allow us to shape and mold our families and to provide. I do not put my job above my relationships, but I see it as necessary. While I am working, I will be striving for success at the work place while being committed to excellence as a father and husband and friend. While I am at home I will be purposeful with my time and strive for success as a father, husband and friend while being committed to excellence as a business professional. There doesn’t have to be a disconnect between the two.
I hope to have more than 2 hours a day with my children when that day comes. But whether I have 30 minutes or a whole day with them, my desire will be that I can be a leader in their lives and be an example of Christ for them, so that one day, they too will come to know Him and can walk in the Light that is the Glory of God.
Obviously the priority here is kids over work. In NT culture, kids were apprentices for their fathers (usually) and heirs of their fathers' trade, so there was mucho father/son(s) time.
The easiest way I thought about work vs. kids was this: in work, I'm doing nothing for the future except furthering the company's success, and in pursuing my son, I'm affecting endless generations to come. I actually get to be a part of that. It's a long-term perspective. I could've taken many jobs working 60 hours a week. I could've taken many jobs that required me to be out of town (or even country) 3 months of the year. Those jobs are what people with my degree usually take. However, I sought after a job that paid much less and allowed me to be home more since I was mostly from home and put in about 30-35 hours a week. And I've never regretted it. I think those that have at least a bachelor's degree have that choice (in the vast majority of cases) to find jobs that allow us to be home at night and free on the weekends. But our pride, need for success and sometimes financial security get in the way.
I figure my son will look back on his life in 60 years and remember the times we spent together, but if I'm working until 7 or 8 most nights, it'll be different. He won't remember that we had money to put in a pool or get him a stud bike, he'll remember how much time we spent no matter how poor or rich. How do I know this? I've talked with my dad, his dad, my uncles, friends' dads, read Steve Farrar and other fatherhood authors, and they all confirm that their experience and their memories were the same. They remember the time with their fathers. I hope I never take that for granted.
Again, I'll re-iterate that the more time you spend with your kids, the more influence you get to have in generations down the line. I mentioned that as guys we have the need to succeed and most of the time that gets turned toward our occupation, but what if that was turned on the influence of our kids and their future generations? Those things count. And I believe that's our responsibility as believers.
Go back and read Judges. Everytime Israel regresses into worshipping idols, there's usually a mention of how previous generations didn't pass on who God was. This should be a warning to fathers. Judges is a total history book that fathers should look at and learn at what's at stake.
We have a picture on our mantel of my great-grandfather, Matthew Lyle. When I asked my mom what he did, she didn't know. Two generations removed and not a single person on earth even knows what this guy did for a living, much less any of his accomplishments at work. But just by nature of him being a father and a husband, I'm sure he has shaped my character and personality in ways I can't imagine. I love looking at that picture to remind me of that perspective.
I agree with Hudson's Dad. There is a lot to be said for ensuring time at home is quality, but it is also about quantity. No matter how great Erica and I make the weekends, our marriage is simply different if I'm traveling or working late every night.
I believe God designed us to work and I agree that we should strive to work for the Lord in all things, but what does that really mean? What is success at work? Is performance a Godly measure? If so, can it stand alone?
I wouldn't say that success in the workplace is a performance measure. More so, a measure of how I am shaped by my career.
There is never a substitute for time... we talk about that all the time in the work place... productivity, efficiency, work/life balance... all of these things have to do with time and how we spend it. Our time is worth so much, so we should spend it well. My original point (and I may not have emphasized it enough) was to use all the time we have as being purposeful, at home, and at work. Otherwise, aren't we just wasting time?
Any thoughts about whether being a stay at home dad is Biblical?
before getting to the bible to figure out if being a 'stay at home dad' might be 'biblical', why don't we try to think about whether our entire model of 'work' might be ethical or biblical?
There are, of course, historic roots to the 'out of home' mother/father situation as we know it today. It mostly stems from industrialization in the late 19th and 20th centuries. we should probably pay attention to that major cultural shift that brought millions into the city and sits at the heart of the question of what it means 'go to work' at all.
And this question is obviously directed toward men, but we also need to take seriously the question of the economic activity of women both in and out of the house.
As for the women working debate, I'll offer Titus 2:3-5;
"discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, subject to their own husbands, so that the Word of God may not be blasphemed"
I'm not really sure exactly how to interpret this; about whether or not it's culturally-relative; just thought I'd throw it out there. Taking care of the home takes a ton of time. I know because I used to do it.
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